A Collection Of Failures

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The child nobody wanted except monsters.

  • tall, young, skinny, white dude: Here, ma'am, have my seat.
  • middle-aged white lady: Someone raised you right.
  • tall, young, skinny, white dude: Thank you, ma'am.
  • me: (while reading a book) Yup, raised him right so he only gives his seat to white women.
  • young, black woman with son in stroller: (smiles at me and nods)

Have you ever seen a bunny in the pale moon light?

Living off of the past is what so many people do.  They can do this because their pasts are known and documented.  What about the past of Ind!ans, Native Americans, Mexicans, Central and South Americans?  History is written by those in control.

Dear hipster males, don’t wear tight clothing if it won’t fit you well.  Wearing a medium shirt when an x-large one is the smallest size that will fit your large belly is a good example.

09/06/2014 - Mum likes the place and gave the O.K. to go after it.  Funny how she likes the neighbourhood more than Forest Hills and Kew Gardens, claiming that this place seems more normal.
-Why is she the one who by ignoring me makes me want to pursue her more?  Guess it has to do with me having a crush on her since she was taller than me.
-With what my mum told me about their, mum and pa, recent trip to FL to visit their eldest son, his wife, and the grandchild, they will not be going back to visit any time soon.  They said it was no vacation.  And with what my mum told me about how they were treated, the relationship between us (mum, pa, and me) and him (brother/son) has become irreparable.  These are all things I predicted years ago, before my brother’s marriage.  Nobody thinks I’m right until it is too late.
-Visited a dentist for the first time in years.  Yes, years as in more than two years.  Had a clean check up and was advised, as always, to floss.  I hate flossing.
09/07/2014 - First time I woke up after 7:00am in a long time.  Would have slept longer if someone didn’t make so much noise.  Don’t know how I slept so long, the pills or the cranberry beer, but I need it more often.
09/09/2014 - What makes people think that they are guaranteed a seat on a bus or subway?  You are lucky if transportation stops for you.
-Seeing middle-age S0uth !nd!an men running for a bus just to get a seat always makes me laugh.  They can’t even take the time to push the door so it stays open for the next person.  No wonder why so many of their kids are spoiled brats with attitudes.

Being “educated” doesn’t mean one is intelligent.  The two are not synonymous.

09/14/2014 - Received an answer as to why she ignored my attempts to ask her out, the girl I’ve had a crush on since we were little.  I understand her answer and respect her decision, though, I do believe it is incorrect.  As much as I want to prove that she is wrong I shall not.  There is no reason to since she made up her mind a long time ago without me doing anything and, no matter what I do and how hard I try I will never be able to convince her otherwise.  I quit love last year, for whatever reason I made an exception this time (likely because I’ve had a crush on this girl since we were little) but that exception no longer exists so back to being a quitter.
-Gave up video games, love, collecting toys, riding a bike, coffee, and learning to cook better.  Wonder what else I can give up.
-In other news, the inspection yesterday (09/13/2014) was good, nothing major was found.  Now I have to wait and see and let the lawyers do their thing.  Soonest I can move would be some time in mid to late November, if lucky.  We wish the mausoleum was bigger but it is a cozy size.  Yes, we call it a mausoleum because my mum and I know this is the end for me, as in there will be no reason for me to move to a bigger place.

Self-destruction tastes great and is low in calories!

09/17/2014 - Don’t get the girl (I remind her of an ex), don’t get the apt (it’s a condop that would be very difficult and costly to sell, rent, repair, etc.), and the girl who ruined work for my supervisor and me (but also led to a raise for us and a promotion for my supervisor) is now working for a better company, making more money, and still getting paid by this company because she is on a “2-week vacation”…will I ever win?

Spreading hate as if it is an STD.

09/21/2014 - There is nothing wrong with a crazy uncle promoting his baby niece’s unlady-like behaviour.

09/23/2014 - The collection increased by one.  Decided to abandon trying because she has to check her schedule. Also, how can I compete with her past.  While I don’t care about the boys she dated before, they, apparently, dictate her future.  They were fools to let her go.  I was stupid to believe I would have a chance.  So I am going to focus on me.  As much as I care for her, she doesn’t want me to, just like others.
-Gonna use my insomnia to get out.  Get an apt.  Get a better job.  Create a good way to get myself into a body bag because I sure as heck won’t let anyone deprive me of that privilege.  I earned that right.

Tonight
The light
Died
Who is afraid of the dark?

Those who have died once can die again.  No longer can I fight it.

“It came to seem to Louis that God, in His infinite wisdom, seemed much more generous when it came to doling out pain.” -narration from Pet Sematary, by Stephen King.

Bad idea to let a toddler name her baby sister.  “Doggy.”
Behind the drinks I would forget that I existed, forget everything around me, and sink into a hole free from reality.
06/29/2014 - Ain’t gonna find a mausoleum in the area I want, or even close to it.  Thinking of buying an RV or conversion van and just live in there.06/30/2014 - My niece is the only one who smiles when she sees me.  Thank you.-Someone pulled the emergency brake during the afternoon commute.  The E-train to 179th switched to an Express to Jamaica Centre because of it.  The bus came but was slowed down frequently by triple parkers, people cutting off the bus, and 3 pullovers by the police.-Surplus to requirements.07/01/2014 - The streets were quiet.  The US has failed.-Prez 0b@m@ seems more like a pop icon than a pre$!dent.07/03/2014 - Central AC is a must nowadays.-Landon Donovan, the American Pele, a know-it-all loud-mouth who is Irrelevant.07/04/2014 - Celebrating by sending applications for a new job.-Should a mentally challenged person (brain capacity of a 5 year old) have a dog and not have that dog on a leash?  The dog is a whippet, puppy.-Pu$$ie$.  This day shows how weak Amer!c@n$ are when compared to their counterparts decades ago.-Shall we see what an absence of love can do to the world?

"He still couldn’t grasp how she could have betrayed him.  He had felt happy with her, and she had shared her warmth with him.  But she deceived him about who she really was.  She had acted the same way as the man who had hit her and dragged her by the hair.” -Molo’s narration from Daniel, by Henning Mankell

07/06/2014 - Don’t bother with dating sites when you’re not a White Male because that is the kind of guy women want.  The married or single part doesn’t matter.07/07/2014 - To live in this world alone is terrible but I have done it for decades now.  A few more years won’t do any more harm.  That is all that is left.-Finished 2 books in one day; The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and Vampire Hunter D Volume 19: Mercenary Road.  Don’t what to begin reading next.07/09/2014 - Played with a little baby on the way back.  He or she had bat ears, two teeth on the bottom, little hair, and was so cute.  When I got back I drank alone with my thoughts.  Should have eaten dinner but didn’t feel like making anything.07/10/2014 - If you’re going to throw me under the bus then I’m going to take as many of you humans with me.-I need to get a new job or, at least, transfer to an office with better weather.
-One tends to want to live when one has a life to live.-Do happy parents have happy babies?  I base this theory on my brother and his family because my niece is almost always happy and my brother and his wife seem genuinely good together.  May their happiness last through the ages.
07/14/2014 - Want to finish The Tommyknockers by September.07/16/2014 - Who I once was is very different from what I am now.07/17/2014 - They believe the lies that corporate or management shoves down their throats way too much.-I could have been nice but why should I.  I am alone there, except for my supervisor.  Though we are very different, we share some similarities.-Decided to stop writing “nonsense.”  No girl wants to hear that stuff from me, instead, desiring for words like those to come from anyone else.  So be it, go hear them from others (not in generic songs, books, movies, or shows but personally written and dedicated to you), if you can, for I shall never write like that again.07/18/2014 - Singing contest with my 15 month old niece.  I won this time.  First time I’ve been h@ppy in months.  Too bad it never lasts.07/20/2014 - Killed three flies today, one bare-handed.  Also had some fun driving.  It was not a good day today.
More roles for women, how about more roles for minorities (not just blacks, Latins, and Chinese/Japanese/Koreans) that aren’t stereotypical.
Size doesn’t matter, color does.

“In short, I view human beings as a malignant tumor, unfit to live.” -Baronet Drago Dorleac, from Vampire Hunter D Vol. 19: Mercenary Road

Hatred like this never forgets, never forgives, and never ceases.
07/26/2014 - What a crazy week it was.  Because someone got way too greedy and couldn’t keep quiet, my supervisor and I may benefit.  We’ll know officially in about two weeks.-Ended up killing well over 50 flies this week.-At this rate, I’ll be buying a new vehicle before I buy my own place.  The NYC real estate market sucks unless you have money to burn (gut job and rebuild), willing to compromise (Co-op or Condop), or you don’t care (ain’t picky).07/27/2014 - Being second means being last.  It took a long time but I finally convinced me mum of this fact.  She’s angry but I am not the object of her rage.07/29/2014 - Expendables 3 is better than 2 but not as good as 1.-Supervisor was out sick today.  Made me realize how further alone I am.  Oh well, cash is king in this country.07/30/2014 - Got confirmation about the change but I’ll believe it when I see it.  This, if it happens, will be the first time this has ever happened to me.-I miss her but she’s the one who wants nothing to do with me so…08/01/2014 - Godzilla (2014) wasn’t close to being as good as I wanted it to be or expected.-Today is the day it should officially begin.  I shall see next week.08/5/2014 - They officially announced my supervisor’s promotion.  It was one that took way too long to come about.08/07/2014 - I gave up and I have to stick to it.-Corp changes its mind way too many times.-What does popping pimples and wiping it in your hair, scratching your butt/fixing a wedgie and sniffing your fingers afterwards, and picking your nose and wiping the snots on your pants all have in common?  The answer is that these acts were all done by a young J3wish guy during the subway commute home.  What made this gross sight funny were the two bottles of travel-size hand-sanitizers that were hanging on his backpack.08/08/2014 - No change seen on paycheck.  Perhaps the next time around?08/09/2014 - I have lost about 15 pounds since I started working here.  Those days when I was entirely by myself, doing double if not triple duty, and losing my appetite, thus not eating lunch, really helped.-Finished reading No Exit. Not bad for a book I had to read for school but not a book I want to read again.

“I’m not built for living, I don’t know what life is and I don’t need to know.  I’m in the way, I haven’t found the right place for myself and I get on everyone’s nerves.  Nobody loves me, nobody trusts me.” - Hugo from Dirty Hands, by Jean-Paul Sartre

08/22/2014 - I am now part of the low-middle class or part of the upper-lower class.  Hooray?-Saw a friend/crush for the first time in months.  Wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances but it was still good to see each other.  I even was able to make her laugh and smile.-A pet vet next to a pet grooming salon next to an all-you-can-eat hibachi buffet…this seems perfectly normal to me in New York.08/23/2014 - Mostly spent the morning and early afternoon watching motorcycle building/reality shows with my mum.  This brought back memories for us.08/25/2014 - Spoke with Ms. Mimi, finding out how she and her family and friends and lil Eli are fairing after the quake.  She’s doing well, going on a trip soon.  I miss her but am thankful that she lets me play a small part in her life.  She so kicks ass.  The last time we spoke was around her birthday, I think.  Really need to speak with her, and others, more often.08/26/2014 - I wish it was a 1-br and slightly bigger, about 500 sq ft at least. I can live with the location and small bathroom and kitchen.  Eh, we shall see.  At least it was move-in ready and not ridiculously overpriced.08/29/2014 - Living, perhaps, in an apt. the size of my parents’ garage somewhere not in Queens may not be a bad thing.  I don’t have to see certain people I don’t want to see be around strangers who are way too strange even for me.-Met a couple who live in Hawaii but are on vacation in NYC.  That seemed so strange to me.  Saw a person, also, who wrapped facial tissue around the subway pole before holding it and avoided contact with others in the subway car but who also picked his nose while during the trip.08/31/2014 - Finished a large/long book before September.  Too bad it wasn’t the book I wanted to finish, The Tommyknockers, though, I did want to reread this book since I did not finish reading it the first time around.  Finishing this large/long book (Battle Royale) still counts for something because I started reading it about three weeks ago…I need a life.-What does it mean if you lose in your dreams?  Don’t know if it is the pills or something else that is causing these bad dreams.-Guess I still miss her.  I wonder how she is doing.  I would contact her but she wouldn’t respond and I fear that she is either engaged or already married, which her lousy boyfriend should have done a long time ago, the engagement part.  Whatever, she told me to go away and I shall fulfill her desire.

Those who have died once can die again.  No longer can I fight it.

It came to seem to Louis that God, in His infinite wisdom, seemed much more generous when it came to doling out pain.” -narration from Pet Sematary, by Stephen King.

Bad idea to let a toddler name her baby sister.  “Doggy.”

Behind the drinks I would forget that I existed, forget everything around me, and sink into a hole free from reality.

06/29/2014 - Ain’t gonna find a mausoleum in the area I want, or even close to it.  Thinking of buying an RV or conversion van and just live in there.
06/30/2014 - My niece is the only one who smiles when she sees me.  Thank you.
-Someone pulled the emergency brake during the afternoon commute.  The E-train to 179th switched to an Express to Jamaica Centre because of it.  The bus came but was slowed down frequently by triple parkers, people cutting off the bus, and 3 pullovers by the police.
-Surplus to requirements.
07/01/2014 - The streets were quiet.  The US has failed.
-Prez 0b@m@ seems more like a pop icon than a pre$!dent.
07/03/2014 - Central AC is a must nowadays.
-Landon Donovan, the American Pele, a know-it-all loud-mouth who is Irrelevant.
07/04/2014 - Celebrating by sending applications for a new job.
-Should a mentally challenged person (brain capacity of a 5 year old) have a dog and not have that dog on a leash?  The dog is a whippet, puppy.
-Pu$$ie$.  This day shows how weak Amer!c@n$ are when compared to their counterparts decades ago.
-Shall we see what an absence of love can do to the world?

"He still couldn’t grasp how she could have betrayed him.  He had felt happy with her, and she had shared her warmth with him.  But she deceived him about who she really was.  She had acted the same way as the man who had hit her and dragged her by the hair.” -Molo’s narration from Daniel, by Henning Mankell

07/06/2014 - Don’t bother with dating sites when you’re not a White Male because that is the kind of guy women want.  The married or single part doesn’t matter.
07/07/2014 - To live in this world alone is terrible but I have done it for decades now.  A few more years won’t do any more harm.  That is all that is left.
-Finished 2 books in one day; The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and Vampire Hunter D Volume 19: Mercenary Road.  Don’t what to begin reading next.
07/09/2014 - Played with a little baby on the way back.  He or she had bat ears, two teeth on the bottom, little hair, and was so cute.  When I got back I drank alone with my thoughts.  Should have eaten dinner but didn’t feel like making anything.
07/10/2014 - If you’re going to throw me under the bus then I’m going to take as many of you humans with me.
-I need to get a new job or, at least, transfer to an office with better weather.

-One tends to want to live when one has a life to live.
-Do happy parents have happy babies?  I base this theory on my brother and his family because my niece is almost always happy and my brother and his wife seem genuinely good together.  May their happiness last through the ages.

07/14/2014 - Want to finish The Tommyknockers by September.
07/16/2014 - Who I once was is very different from what I am now.
07/17/2014 - They believe the lies that corporate or management shoves down their throats way too much.
-I could have been nice but why should I.  I am alone there, except for my supervisor.  Though we are very different, we share some similarities.
-Decided to stop writing “nonsense.”  No girl wants to hear that stuff from me, instead, desiring for words like those to come from anyone else.  So be it, go hear them from others (not in generic songs, books, movies, or shows but personally written and dedicated to you), if you can, for I shall never write like that again.
07/18/2014 - Singing contest with my 15 month old niece.  I won this time.  First time I’ve been h@ppy in months.  Too bad it never lasts.
07/20/2014 - Killed three flies today, one bare-handed.  Also had some fun driving.  It was not a good day today.

More roles for women, how about more roles for minorities (not just blacks, Latins, and Chinese/Japanese/Koreans) that aren’t stereotypical.

Size doesn’t matter, color does.

In short, I view human beings as a malignant tumor, unfit to live.” -Baronet Drago Dorleac, from Vampire Hunter D Vol. 19: Mercenary Road

Hatred like this never forgets, never forgives, and never ceases.

07/26/2014 - What a crazy week it was.  Because someone got way too greedy and couldn’t keep quiet, my supervisor and I may benefit.  We’ll know officially in about two weeks.
-Ended up killing well over 50 flies this week.
-At this rate, I’ll be buying a new vehicle before I buy my own place.  The NYC real estate market sucks unless you have money to burn (gut job and rebuild), willing to compromise (Co-op or Condop), or you don’t care (ain’t picky).
07/27/2014 - Being second means being last.  It took a long time but I finally convinced me mum of this fact.  She’s angry but I am not the object of her rage.
07/29/2014 - Expendables 3 is better than 2 but not as good as 1.
-Supervisor was out sick today.  Made me realize how further alone I am.  Oh well, cash is king in this country.
07/30/2014 - Got confirmation about the change but I’ll believe it when I see it.  This, if it happens, will be the first time this has ever happened to me.
-I miss her but she’s the one who wants nothing to do with me so…
08/01/2014 - Godzilla (2014) wasn’t close to being as good as I wanted it to be or expected.
-Today is the day it should officially begin.  I shall see next week.
08/5/2014 - They officially announced my supervisor’s promotion.  It was one that took way too long to come about.
08/07/2014 - I gave up and I have to stick to it.
-Corp changes its mind way too many times.
-What does popping pimples and wiping it in your hair, scratching your butt/fixing a wedgie and sniffing your fingers afterwards, and picking your nose and wiping the snots on your pants all have in common?  The answer is that these acts were all done by a young J3wish guy during the subway commute home.  What made this gross sight funny were the two bottles of travel-size hand-sanitizers that were hanging on his backpack.
08/08/2014 - No change seen on paycheck.  Perhaps the next time around?
08/09/2014 - I have lost about 15 pounds since I started working here.  Those days when I was entirely by myself, doing double if not triple duty, and losing my appetite, thus not eating lunch, really helped.
-Finished reading No Exit. Not bad for a book I had to read for school but not a book I want to read again.

I’m not built for living, I don’t know what life is and I don’t need to know.  I’m in the way, I haven’t found the right place for myself and I get on everyone’s nerves.  Nobody loves me, nobody trusts me.” - Hugo from Dirty Hands, by Jean-Paul Sartre

08/22/2014 - I am now part of the low-middle class or part of the upper-lower class.  Hooray?
-Saw a friend/crush for the first time in months.  Wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances but it was still good to see each other.  I even was able to make her laugh and smile.
-A pet vet next to a pet grooming salon next to an all-you-can-eat hibachi buffet…this seems perfectly normal to me in New York.
08/23/2014 - Mostly spent the morning and early afternoon watching motorcycle building/reality shows with my mum.  This brought back memories for us.
08/25/2014 - Spoke with Ms. Mimi, finding out how she and her family and friends and lil Eli are fairing after the quake.  She’s doing well, going on a trip soon.  I miss her but am thankful that she lets me play a small part in her life.  She so kicks ass.  The last time we spoke was around her birthday, I think.  Really need to speak with her, and others, more often.
08/26/2014 - I wish it was a 1-br and slightly bigger, about 500 sq ft at least. I can live with the location and small bathroom and kitchen.  Eh, we shall see.  At least it was move-in ready and not ridiculously overpriced.
08/29/2014 - Living, perhaps, in an apt. the size of my parents’ garage somewhere not in Queens may not be a bad thing.  I don’t have to see certain people I don’t want to see be around strangers who are way too strange even for me.
-Met a couple who live in Hawaii but are on vacation in NYC.  That seemed so strange to me.  Saw a person, also, who wrapped facial tissue around the subway pole before holding it and avoided contact with others in the subway car but who also picked his nose while during the trip.
08/31/2014 - Finished a large/long book before September.  Too bad it wasn’t the book I wanted to finish, The Tommyknockers, though, I did want to reread this book since I did not finish reading it the first time around.  Finishing this large/long book (Battle Royale) still counts for something because I started reading it about three weeks ago…I need a life.
-What does it mean if you lose in your dreams?  Don’t know if it is the pills or something else that is causing these bad dreams.
-Guess I still miss her.  I wonder how she is doing.  I would contact her but she wouldn’t respond and I fear that she is either engaged or already married, which her lousy boyfriend should have done a long time ago, the engagement part.  Whatever, she told me to go away and I shall fulfill her desire.

Nobody is waiting for me anywhere. I wander from city to city, a stranger to all others and to myself, and the cities close again behind me like the waters of a pool.

Orestes
from The Flies, Jean-Paul Sartre

-what am I but an empty shell? Some creature has devoured me unawares, gnawed out my inner self. And now, looking within, I see I am more dead than Agamemnon. Did I say I was sad? I lied. Neither sad nor gay is the desert - a boundless waste of sand under a burning waste of sky. Not sad, nor gay, but - sinister.

Aegistheus, from The Flies by Jean-Paul Sartre

I am a mere shadow of a man; of all the ghosts haunting this town today, non is ghostlier than I…The passions of the living were never mine.

Orestes, from The Flies by Jean-Paul Sartre

“Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck *me*? Fuck *you*, Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it.
Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car - get a fucking job!
Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training.
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!
Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped-up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35.
Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?
Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin’ and dealin’ and schemin’. Go back where you fucking came from!
Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds!
Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn’t know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom!
Fuck the Puerto Ricans. Twenty to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin’ parade in the city. And don’t even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, ‘cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good.
Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their Jason Giambi Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for “The Sopranos.”
Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermès scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You’re not fooling anybody, sweetheart!
Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don’t want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on!
Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus-violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust!
Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child’s pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you’re at it, fuck J.C.! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin’ Otisville, J.!
Fuck Osama Bin Laden, al-Qaeda, and backward-ass cave-dwelling fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel-headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass!…
Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park Slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.”
-Monty Brogan, from 25th Hour

Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck *me*? Fuck *you*, Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it.

Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car - get a fucking job!

Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training.

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped-up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35.

Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?

Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin’ and dealin’ and schemin’. Go back where you fucking came from!

Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds!

Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn’t know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom!

Fuck the Puerto Ricans. Twenty to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin’ parade in the city. And don’t even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, ‘cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good.

Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their Jason Giambi Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for “The Sopranos.”

Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermès scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You’re not fooling anybody, sweetheart!

Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don’t want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on!

Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus-violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust!

Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child’s pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you’re at it, fuck J.C.! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin’ Otisville, J.!

Fuck Osama Bin Laden, al-Qaeda, and backward-ass cave-dwelling fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel-headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass!…

Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park Slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.

-Monty Brogan, from 25th Hour

G0d works in mysterious ways to keep you buried.  I no longer have the will to dig myself out.
04/28/2014 - Smelled like fresh pepperoni pizza when I was walking to work this morning.  It smelled like fried chicken when I was walking to the bus stop this afternoon.  I pass many restaurants during my commute.-Working and living where I do, compounded with finishing Serpico, I become more distrustful of the police every passing day.-I understand why black men don’t like black women as much as other women.  Pushy is an understatement.
05/02/2014 - Animal Farm should become mandatory reading for all high-school students.  Such a great book that will always be relevant.
Some people have “IT” and other people don’t.  “IT” is hard to understand and explain.  But regardless of whether or not you have “IT,” you know of “IT” and know it is not something that is obtainable.I don’t have “IT.” Never had and never will.
04/30/2014 - Listening to CDs and watching DVDs.  Am I going backwards in technology?  Have CDs become the new vinyl?
05/04/2014 - Gave up on expressing my love.  Deleted a poem I’ve been working on for months.  It was meant to be a birthday gift in late June.  She wants to hear that stuff from other people, not me.  Don’t care.  Instead of love, I shall express my hate.  Wait, hate is not a strong enough word.  Revenge?I would rather be torn apart by hate than stuck in depression.  I owe much to hate because it was the only one who offered to take me in, permitting me to survive.  It may lead to a short life but I don’t have a single reason to live a long one.
05/05/2014 - “Reduced speed,” according to the MTA, means not moving.I prefer the bootleg version more than the original one.05/07/2014 - I left the house early because the news said the E and were running local.  I caught the 7:10 E and ended up getting to work the same time I normally do if I get the 7:30 E and everything runs as usual.  As a side note, the early bus had more people than the bus that comes after it.
05/08/2014 - The bus wasn’t going slow because it is ahead of schedule.  How can it be ahead of schedule if it was over 20 minutes late picking us up?  It was going slow so that it’s timing matches the schedule of the bus that comes after it, thus giving the appearance that it is on time.05/09/2014 - What are the chances of getting the same slow-ass bus driver back-to-back at different times of different days.  He was still late and drove slower than electric bicycles.  Seriously, there was an electric bicycle delivery guy who was going faster than us while still obeying the rules of the road.-Took my mommy to IHOP for an early Mother’s Day celebration.  We love going there and trying the new stuff and seeing all the babies.
05/12/2014 - Saw the one person I never want to see ever.  The one person who single-handedly ruined 2013 and drilled into my head that I am a loser, unwanted, undesirable, unlovable.  And I saw her during the morning commute.  Once I saw her I felt cold, wanted to go home, crawl into bed, wrap myself in blankets even though it was about 80 degrees here, and drink whiskey so that my throat and insides burn. Work could not end fast enough for me, having drank 3 large cups of coffee just to keep myself from leaving.Hopelessness is a very cold feeling, colder than being under the AC.  I just want to disappear, leaving NYC and everybody behind. Cease being.
05/14/2014 - Finished the first Wallander book, Faceless Killers.  Having read the books out of order makes things feel weird in the development areas, i.e., characters’ and writer’s.-Every woman I wanted to be involved with romantically or had a crush on all ended up with the same kind of guy.  Funny how women say they don’t have a type and yet 5 completely different girls are either married or dating the same guy.
05/17/2014 - Arsenal ended their trophy drought, a drought that could have ended years ago in the 2006 Champions League and the 2007 or 2011 League Cups, which Arsenal lost to a relegated team.  Arsenal manages to always fall short, often choking/stumbling in the beginning of semifinal or final matches so that they have to play catchup.  Arsenal is not good at playing catchup.  This is especially true because Arsenal does not have world-class strikers (one is never enough).  If you need proof, look at this game, they were behind 2-0 in less than ten minutes and almost blew the lead with about five minutes left.  Arsenal was lucky to win the FA Cup.  Arsenal is a good team but they won’t become a world-class team that strikes fear among the elite, e.g., Real Madrid and Chelsea, until Arsenal obtains better players, both offence and defence.Regardless, Arsenal won and this fan is glad.  Will the team repeat it, who knows.  Arsenal is the Mets of the EPL except that Arsenal is usually in the top four while the Mets are usually at the bottom.
05/19/2014 - The worst morning commute so far.  The bus was over 20 minutes late.  When it did arrive, it wasn’t one but four buses, the last two were a couples of minutes apart from each other.  I was lucky enough to get on the bus that ended up stopping at so many stops people usually don’t off at.I caught the E which posted that it was going to make F stops, then E local which it did, then it ran it usual express.  But for whatever reasons, it was stopping in the middle of tunnels.  Of course there were the usual excuses of train traffic and dispatcher bullsh!t.Being in a subway for about over an hour and ten minutes wouldn’t have been bad except that the car I was in had way too many PDAing couples and attractive people for a Monday morning.  I picked the wrong day not to bring my book and, instead, listen to my “Learn Conversational Spanish” tapes.  There was one thing that caught my attention, besides the young and attractive females who depressed me.  There was an old Asian guy with an MD (mini disc) player hooked up with Apple ear-buds.  I haven’t seen an MD player in about a decade.  That was a nice blast from the past.-Oh, I saw a teenager with a Grant Hill Trapper Keeper! Memories suck!
05/21/2014 - Another bad commute, both morning and evening.  Was the E train scheduled/planned to suck more so than usual starting this week or something?

“Your blood is no good to me if you’re dead.” -“The German” aka Dolph Lundgren from The Package

05/30/2014 - Nowhere to go, no one to go with. Past, present, future.Knowing that I was going to work in Manhattan, I knew I was going to bump into people from my past.  This week I bumped into two, a former friend, an acquaintance from high-school whose name I cannot remember, and an “ex,” which was today.  Before I bumped into them I ran into another former friend and the girl who ruined 2013 and made me quit on love and go back to hate.
06/01/2014 - Though there is a clock on computers, I instinctively look to my alarm clock next to the bookshelf.
06/03/2014 - Thoughts while in the lavatory:
Does one need love if one will never be loved?
What’s the difference between “You’re a loser that no girl will ever love” and “You deserve better”?  The former is truthful and, thus, less hurtful since it isn’t a cop-out.
Is the soap dispenser in the lavatory actually dispensing soap?
Is the 2nd child always cursed? I’m tired of winning minor skirmishes.  Why can’t I win major battles and, finally, the war?
I thought PetSematary would be better.
TV sucks during pledge time and after season/series finales.
What happened to spring?
I had way too many thoughts on 06/03/2014 or spent way too much time in the lavatories today.
06/09/2014 - Women only have eyes for white guys.
06/11/2014 but ongoing - Feeling angry, depressed, discouraged, abandoned, hopeless, and hate.  I sleep on the floor more often because that is where I feel like I belong, with the dirt.  Cold showers are fine with me because I feel cold inside and out.  Warm water burns.  I haven’t gone out since Feb. and that was only too see a movie with someone who has spoken with me since, pretty much, then.  As for going out for a long walk and some shopping or exploring, that hasn’t been done since last year about.-2013 really f^cked me up and I am unable to recover.  As much as I need help I know, though, that it will never come.  Stronger ℞ help was suggested.  I think I am beyond that, beyond repair.  The only ones who offered to help are also the first and only ones who took me in.  While they may be bad people, how bad can they really be if they take me?
06/13/2014 - Why am I ugly?  Is it because you humans deem me to be, through your acts or words, ugly?  Or, is it because I have come to believe that I am ugly because of you?
06/14/2014 - Gave up apt hunting until I have a reason to buy a house/condo, i.e., a better paying job or a significant other.  Since neither one of those will ever happen to me, it looks like I’ll be renting to the end.
06/17/2014 - Always too late for the good ones.  But, unwanted by all.  Whatever.

I don’t recognise myself, he thought.  My eyes are those of another person.  The man who hid under the cloth fired a shot at me that reminded me of when Kiko had his head blown to bits.I’m dead to.I just haven’t noticed it yet.-narration for Molo, from Daniel by Henning Mankell

06/21/2014 - I can’t remember my age.  It no longer has any significance because I am old.  What is the point in remembering it?  If you have a future then I can see why knowing one’s age is relevant.  When you have no future, age, like time, have no relevance since you are counting down to the end. 
06/22/2014 - Woke up at 6:30am today.  That is the latest I have slept to in at least over 6 months.  Even when I was leaving for work at 6:30am and coming home around 10:30pm for a week I did not oversleep at all that weekend.  Strange.
Birth-to-Death - Nothing good ever happens to me. :-(
06/23/2014 - Why are some veterans of the modern military (about a few years after the first Gulf-War) such whiny pussies who think they are entitled to everything and must be handled with kid-gloves because they are easily offended?  Funny that he has no problem bragging about what he did or trying to get sympathy when he tells of other stuff, i.e., a friend getting killed not while serving but a regular accident in the US.  Are female veterans like this guy?  I haven’t come across any female veterans but they could be less inclined to tell others about themselves unlike some male veterans.  Difference between the genders/sexes?
06/25/2014 - A married man at least 7 years older is more desirable than me.  Got another one of g0d’s helpful reminders today.
06/28/2014 - Got my mom convince that I am cursed.  That didn’t take long.  The 2nd born are usually cursed.
06/29/2014 - I woke up at 7:06am today.  Better than waking up at 4:47 the day before.

G0d works in mysterious ways to keep you buried.  I no longer have the will to dig myself out.

04/28/2014 - Smelled like fresh pepperoni pizza when I was walking to work this morning.  It smelled like fried chicken when I was walking to the bus stop this afternoon.  I pass many restaurants during my commute.
-Working and living where I do, compounded with finishing Serpico, I become more distrustful of the police every passing day.
-I understand why black men don’t like black women as much as other women.  Pushy is an understatement.

05/02/2014 - Animal Farm should become mandatory reading for all high-school students.  Such a great book that will always be relevant.

Some people have “IT” and other people don’t.  “IT” is hard to understand and explain.  But regardless of whether or not you have “IT,” you know of “IT” and know it is not something that is obtainable.
I don’t have “IT.” Never had and never will.

04/30/2014 - Listening to CDs and watching DVDs.  Am I going backwards in technology?  Have CDs become the new vinyl?

05/04/2014 - Gave up on expressing my love.  Deleted a poem I’ve been working on for months.  It was meant to be a birthday gift in late June.  She wants to hear that stuff from other people, not me.  Don’t care.  Instead of love, I shall express my hate.  Wait, hate is not a strong enough word.  Revenge?
I would rather be torn apart by hate than stuck in depression.  I owe much to hate because it was the only one who offered to take me in, permitting me to survive.  It may lead to a short life but I don’t have a single reason to live a long one.

05/05/2014 - “Reduced speed,” according to the MTA, means not moving.
I prefer the bootleg version more than the original one.
05/07/2014 - I left the house early because the news said the E and were running local.  I caught the 7:10 E and ended up getting to work the same time I normally do if I get the 7:30 E and everything runs as usual.  As a side note, the early bus had more people than the bus that comes after it.

05/08/2014 - The bus wasn’t going slow because it is ahead of schedule.  How can it be ahead of schedule if it was over 20 minutes late picking us up?  It was going slow so that it’s timing matches the schedule of the bus that comes after it, thus giving the appearance that it is on time.
05/09/2014 - What are the chances of getting the same slow-ass bus driver back-to-back at different times of different days.  He was still late and drove slower than electric bicycles.  Seriously, there was an electric bicycle delivery guy who was going faster than us while still obeying the rules of the road.
-Took my mommy to IHOP for an early Mother’s Day celebration.  We love going there and trying the new stuff and seeing all the babies.

05/12/2014 - Saw the one person I never want to see ever.  The one person who single-handedly ruined 2013 and drilled into my head that I am a loser, unwanted, undesirable, unlovable.  And I saw her during the morning commute.  Once I saw her I felt cold, wanted to go home, crawl into bed, wrap myself in blankets even though it was about 80 degrees here, and drink whiskey so that my throat and insides burn. Work could not end fast enough for me, having drank 3 large cups of coffee just to keep myself from leaving.
Hopelessness is a very cold feeling, colder than being under the AC.  I just want to disappear, leaving NYC and everybody behind. Cease being.

05/14/2014 - Finished the first Wallander book, Faceless Killers.  Having read the books out of order makes things feel weird in the development areas, i.e., characters’ and writer’s.
-Every woman I wanted to be involved with romantically or had a crush on all ended up with the same kind of guy.  Funny how women say they don’t have a type and yet 5 completely different girls are either married or dating the same guy.

05/17/2014 - Arsenal ended their trophy drought, a drought that could have ended years ago in the 2006 Champions League and the 2007 or 2011 League Cups, which Arsenal lost to a relegated team.  Arsenal manages to always fall short, often choking/stumbling in the beginning of semifinal or final matches so that they have to play catchup.  Arsenal is not good at playing catchup.  This is especially true because Arsenal does not have world-class strikers (one is never enough).  If you need proof, look at this game, they were behind 2-0 in less than ten minutes and almost blew the lead with about five minutes left.  Arsenal was lucky to win the FA Cup.  Arsenal is a good team but they won’t become a world-class team that strikes fear among the elite, e.g., Real Madrid and Chelsea, until Arsenal obtains better players, both offence and defence.
Regardless, Arsenal won and this fan is glad.  Will the team repeat it, who knows.  Arsenal is the Mets of the EPL except that Arsenal is usually in the top four while the Mets are usually at the bottom.

05/19/2014 - The worst morning commute so far.  The bus was over 20 minutes late.  When it did arrive, it wasn’t one but four buses, the last two were a couples of minutes apart from each other.  I was lucky enough to get on the bus that ended up stopping at so many stops people usually don’t off at.
I caught the E which posted that it was going to make F stops, then E local which it did, then it ran it usual express.  But for whatever reasons, it was stopping in the middle of tunnels.  Of course there were the usual excuses of train traffic and dispatcher bullsh!t.
Being in a subway for about over an hour and ten minutes wouldn’t have been bad except that the car I was in had way too many PDAing couples and attractive people for a Monday morning.  I picked the wrong day not to bring my book and, instead, listen to my “Learn Conversational Spanish” tapes.  There was one thing that caught my attention, besides the young and attractive females who depressed me.  There was an old Asian guy with an MD (mini disc) player hooked up with Apple ear-buds.  I haven’t seen an MD player in about a decade.  That was a nice blast from the past.
-Oh, I saw a teenager with a Grant Hill Trapper Keeper! Memories suck!

05/21/2014 - Another bad commute, both morning and evening.  Was the E train scheduled/planned to suck more so than usual starting this week or something?

Your blood is no good to me if you’re dead.” -“The German” aka Dolph Lundgren from The Package

05/30/2014 - Nowhere to go, no one to go with. Past, present, future.
Knowing that I was going to work in Manhattan, I knew I was going to bump into people from my past.  This week I bumped into two, a former friend, an acquaintance from high-school whose name I cannot remember, and an “ex,” which was today.  Before I bumped into them I ran into another former friend and the girl who ruined 2013 and made me quit on love and go back to hate.

06/01/2014 - Though there is a clock on computers, I instinctively look to my alarm clock next to the bookshelf.

06/03/2014 - Thoughts while in the lavatory:

  • Does one need love if one will never be loved?
  • What’s the difference between “You’re a loser that no girl will ever love” and “You deserve better”?  The former is truthful and, thus, less hurtful since it isn’t a cop-out.
  • Is the soap dispenser in the lavatory actually dispensing soap?
  • Is the 2nd child always cursed? I’m tired of winning minor skirmishes.  Why can’t I win major battles and, finally, the war?
  • I thought PetSematary would be better.
  • TV sucks during pledge time and after season/series finales.
  • What happened to spring?

I had way too many thoughts on 06/03/2014 or spent way too much time in the lavatories today.

06/09/2014 - Women only have eyes for white guys.

06/11/2014 but ongoing - Feeling angry, depressed, discouraged, abandoned, hopeless, and hate.  I sleep on the floor more often because that is where I feel like I belong, with the dirt.  Cold showers are fine with me because I feel cold inside and out.  Warm water burns.  I haven’t gone out since Feb. and that was only too see a movie with someone who has spoken with me since, pretty much, then.  As for going out for a long walk and some shopping or exploring, that hasn’t been done since last year about.
-2013 really f^cked me up and I am unable to recover.  As much as I need help I know, though, that it will never come.  Stronger ℞ help was suggested.  I think I am beyond that, beyond repair.  The only ones who offered to help are also the first and only ones who took me in.  While they may be bad people, how bad can they really be if they take me?

06/13/2014 - Why am I ugly?  Is it because you humans deem me to be, through your acts or words, ugly?  Or, is it because I have come to believe that I am ugly because of you?

06/14/2014 - Gave up apt hunting until I have a reason to buy a house/condo, i.e., a better paying job or a significant other.  Since neither one of those will ever happen to me, it looks like I’ll be renting to the end.

06/17/2014 - Always too late for the good ones.  But, unwanted by all.  Whatever.

I don’t recognise myself, he thought.  My eyes are those of another person.  The man who hid under the cloth fired a shot at me that reminded me of when Kiko had his head blown to bits.
I’m dead to.
I just haven’t noticed it yet.
-narration for Molo, from Daniel by Henning Mankell

06/21/2014 - I can’t remember my age.  It no longer has any significance because I am old.  What is the point in remembering it?  If you have a future then I can see why knowing one’s age is relevant.  When you have no future, age, like time, have no relevance since you are counting down to the end. 

06/22/2014 - Woke up at 6:30am today.  That is the latest I have slept to in at least over 6 months.  Even when I was leaving for work at 6:30am and coming home around 10:30pm for a week I did not oversleep at all that weekend.  Strange.

Birth-to-Death - Nothing good ever happens to me. :-(

06/23/2014 - Why are some veterans of the modern military (about a few years after the first Gulf-War) such whiny pussies who think they are entitled to everything and must be handled with kid-gloves because they are easily offended?  Funny that he has no problem bragging about what he did or trying to get sympathy when he tells of other stuff, i.e., a friend getting killed not while serving but a regular accident in the US.  Are female veterans like this guy?  I haven’t come across any female veterans but they could be less inclined to tell others about themselves unlike some male veterans.  Difference between the genders/sexes?

06/25/2014 - A married man at least 7 years older is more desirable than me.  Got another one of g0d’s helpful reminders today.

06/28/2014 - Got my mom convince that I am cursed.  That didn’t take long.  The 2nd born are usually cursed.

06/29/2014 - I woke up at 7:06am today.  Better than waking up at 4:47 the day before.

A man’s luck in life is set the moment he’s born, true enough.

Beatrice, from Vampire Hunter D: Mercenary Road

They dismiss him as an animal. The comforts of these “civilized people—happiness…love—can have no meaning for him after this last betrayal.

Once he would have sacrificed his life for this…for one woman. No more.

Every brutal lesson he learned from the desert nomads has been proven in these royal courts…for the way of life here is no less fierce than in the wild.

He has turned his back on this two-faced thing called humanity for all eternity—there is only survival now—the test of living. The weak will perish…and the strong will survive!

narration from Rise of Apocalypse, issue 4

The true backbone of the American restaurant industry, however, remains largely Latino.


afterword by Anthony Bourdain, from Kitchen Confidential